Training Day

Today is training day.

I have two days off next week and a temp is covering for me while I'm away. I have to train her up this afternoon.

How embarrassing.

To make it really awkward she's already done this job for three days when I was off sick last week. The office didn't collapse or descend into anarchy while I was away, so I think she just about coped... Yet she still has to come in to be 'trained' for some reason.

Trained to do what though? To surf the net for nine hours? To battle through the exhaustion of doing nothing to ensure she doesn't fall asleep? To sleep with her eyes open perhaps? (a skill I have mastered and am definitely qualified to teach!)

I don't do anything so I have nothing to demonstrate.

I managed to learn the whole job from scratch in about 45 minutes - but she's been here before and she's held the fort before, so why on earth she must be trained now just escapes me.

I might make some stuff up.

I might actually tell her that Monday's are stationary cupboard cleaning days - because I keep looking at it and its a real state. It needs to be sorted out but I can't be bothered to do anything about it. I'm too used to doing nothing to be able to muster the enthusiasm to actually do anything now, so she may as well do it. I might tell her she can leave all the other things that I usually do (ie, nothing), so that she can get on with the tidying up.

But that would just be mean.

I think I'll just apologise for her having to come in to be trained. Denounce any responsibility. Then make sure she takes down my internet password.

Bad result

Unfortunately the meeting didn't quite go to plan..

I lied and she didn't sack me.

She said that she was really pleased with me, that I was doing really well and that everyone thinks I'm really nice.

I said that I was pleased too, that I think I'm doing really well and that I think everyone's really nice.. I just copied what she had said.

What a fool.

"Is there anything you would like to talk about?" She asked.

"No, no, everything is great" I replied.

I deserve everything I get.

To add insult to injury she actually said "I'm so glad you're happy, I was really worried that I might employ someone in the role who would get really bored".

As if doing nothing is enough to keep my brain active because I don't have enough of a brain to have to worry about not being stimulated - if you know what I mean. As if franking three bits of post, opening the door ten times (by pushing a button, I don't even have to get up) and signing for a delivery every now and again is enough to keep my mind occupied (and my eyes open).

Bloody cheek.

Atleast I'm getting paid. I'm sure there's many people out there who would like to get paid for quite literally doing nothing!

Why am I not one of them? Why did I not tell the truth? How can it only be 2pm??

D-day

Allen is not here today, so being called Kim is not a worry...

...Which is lucky because I have far more important things to worry about. I have been summonsed to a review meeting this afternoon so that I can 'touch base' with my boss...

The woman's not really my boss. Actually she's not anyone's boss, she's an 'Executive Assistant', but I suppose someone has to be the boss of me so it may as well be her.

It's just because 'we haven't had a chat for a while' apparently - we've never had a chat as far as I can recall, but I'm sure it'll be fine.

Now I just have to plan my defence. If it's something bad "it wasn't me - honest".

What do I do if she asks me how it's going? Do I tell her I'm bored silly, I find it hard to stay awake at my desk and I dread coming to work because nine hours feels like a lifetime sent to purgatory?

Or do I lie? Do I tell her everything is great and I'm loving it, loving it, loving it?

If I'd known that this was going to happen today I would have tried to cover up the spot that still dominates my otherwise tired looking face, and would have perhaps brushed my hair this morning to make myself look a bit presentable. Now that the meeting has been sprung on me I'm going to have to wing it. I might complain about suffering with a headache - go for the sympathy approach from the offset to throw her off balance.

Not that I mind, I always think that if anyone was mean to me here I would take that as a sign that I should resign on the spot. I'd never have the guts to do that though, so it's only a wild and crazy fantasy of mine.

I'm stuck here, in this boring job, well and truly stuck.

Saying that - she might be not taking me off to have a chat, she may be taking me off to give me the sack!

Here's hoping!

Peeping Tom

On the way to work today, while trying to mentally prepare for another boring old day I saw a man on the train station platform.

He was middly to late 40's I would say. Over-weight with a rounded protruding belly. Balding. Thick rimmed, thick lensed glasses. He was wearing a long brown overcoat... but it was open so I could see his high waisted, belted beige trousers and crinkled white shirt. I could also see his work ID badge, proudly hanging around his neck. The company's name was 'Peeping'.

I thought to myself, "I bet you do.. Tom!"

Made me laugh for quite a while.

'Out of Order'

Oh dear.

I thought that I had been ultra efficient this morning. The dishwasher in the office kitchen is leaking, so I rushed around and stuck an 'out of order' notice on it. Another of my jobs here is to stick signs on broken things and to report the fault... Interesting.

Just as I sat down at my desk after my lunch my sign was angrily shoved into my hand:

"This Urinal is Out Of Order"

Oops... It's not very professional - apparently!

I didn't see the urinal bit this morning.

Breakfast

I've taken to eating my breakfast at my desk. I don't have time when I'm at home, plus it's too early so I'm not really hungry and I just end up feeling sick.

There is never anyone else here when I get in - with the exception of one woman who pounces on me as soon as I walk in the door nearly every day to complain that the coffee machine is being cleaned - furious that she will have to wait two minues to make a cup. Why she doesn't adjust her morning routine and visit the kitchen five minutes earlier, or five minutes later in the day I'll never know. She shouts at the coffee machine cleaner, moans at me, and doesn't get her coffee any sooner - ever. She is definitely not someone who learns through repetition.

Anyway, by waiting until I get to work to eat my bran flakes I get to eat a nice leisurely breakfast, get paid for doing so, and take up a few otherwise empty minutes by doing something 'constructive'...

To keep it cheap I bring my own cereal in and use the company's milk. I get a weird satisfaction from using their milk, I don't know why!

I bring my cereal in in a tupperware box - keeps it fresh and is a good sized bowl - perfect! (what a great advert for tupperware). Thing is, it always seems a bit contaminated because we have another tupperware pot just like this at home which we have used, on more than one occasion, to clean cat poo from the carpet... The thought puts me off my breakfast slightly.

Oh god, what if this is the pot that we use when we clean up cat poo...

I think I may skip my breakfast tomorrow.

540 minutes

Ready to start another boring day. 540 boring minutes until I can go home.

(I actually thought that working that out would depress me, but it doesn't seem too bad really does it? Sounds much less than nine whole hours!)

540 minutes...

Kim Count

It's only 3:40pm and unfortunately Allen has left for the day. Although I am hugely relieved that he's gone, this means that my 'Kim Count' won't be fully representative of a normal day in this place...

Nevertheless, the results for today are as follow:

Number of times I have been called Kim = 4

Number of times I have sprinted away from my desk through fear of being called Kim infront of someone who knows that that's not my name = 6

"Take care Kim" were Allen's parting words as he left for the day.

"I will" was my ridiculous reply!

NB. This will be a test 'Kim Count' - I will do an official one when Allen returns so that I can demonstrate the full horror that I have to endure day in day out. I fear that these results don't do the horror justice.

Name and Shame!

Still no work to do but...

I have just encountered possibly the rudest person I have ever had the misfortune to meet and I thought that I should share.

Although this must be the quietest reception ever, we do get the odd person coming in and out once in a while. On this occasion it was a grey haired man looking for Allen.

Allen wasn't here, he'd actually just left about two minutes before. "Bye Kim" he called to me as he left!

Not being psychic, I didn't have a clue where Allen had gone or when he would be back.

I asked the intruder to sign in and to take a seat while I tried to find Allen's PA to see where he may be. Perfectly reasonable I thought.

"I won't actually" he said (very sternley) "I'll stand".

"Okaaaaaaay" I replied as I walked off in search of the doolalley PA.

Couldn't find her.

I came back to see him and explained I couldn't find her, keeping up-beat and bubbly at all times (receptionists are supposed to be 'bubbly' aren't they?)...

He looked straight at me, square in the eyes "you're not much use really are you".

That's what he said!

What?!

How can he speak to people like that? I had to let him get away with it too. I couldn't exactly say "...and you're very rude really aren't you" - although I wish I had.

I think you should be named and shamed... Professor Turner.

Professor of what? Up-your-own-arseness?

Silly man.


(This doesn't sound that bad now that I am reading it back, but it was. His rudeness really took me back. No need for it really)

"Hi Kim"

Another day, another painfully boring 9 hours at work...

I thought that it would be funny to document how many times I am called "Kim" today, (my name's not Kim!)

Thing is, I've been on edge all morning because Allen, who calls me Kim, seems to have lots of guests coming in and out of his office today and I don't want him to call me Kim in front of them. That would be awful:

Allen: "Can you do this for me please Kim?"

Me: "Oh yes, of course"

Onlooker who knows I'm not called Kim: "He just called you Kim and that's not your name. Don't you think that's a bit strange? Why don't you tell him that's not your name?"

Me: "Because I'm an idiot who hasn't corrected him for three months, even though it really pisses me off, and now it just seems like its too late. At first I thought he was calling me 'Kid', which annoyed me even more, so when I realised he was saying 'Kim' I just kind of let him get on with it. Now it's gone on for too long and I'm too embarrassed to tell him that's not my actual name"

Onlooker: "You're a bit weird"

So instead, i'm going to keep two counts today. One for how many times I leave my desk to avoid the possibility of him calling me 'Kim' with someone overhearing. And one for how many times he actually manages to call me Kim - these will only count if I acknowledge him, as if to enforce the fact that Kim is my name.

I'll keep the count on a postage note and will publish them at the end of the day...

**Current count - I have left my desk and 'popped to the toilet' four times already today to avoid being called Kim**

Christmas Party

Just found out the Christmas Party this year is a roller disco!!

Won't be going to that then.

Picking teeth

I don't know whether I am losing my brilliant social / people skills, so perfectly mastered over the last 25 years, because I am an outcast in this job - sitting here on my own with no other living sole to talk to, or whether I perhaps didn't have any before I started this job and just managed to blag it somehow... But this just happened:

I was sitting at my desk, reading about Charlotte Church's new hair don't on the Sky News website when a guy came up to my desk from around the corner. We'll call him Damon*, for legal purposes. He was looking to book a meeting room. I'm the 'meeting room booker', among my many other fascinating roles here, but I've gotten so used to doing absolutely nothing I just leave the book on my desk and let people fill it in themselves! I'm not too sure what was puzzling him, perhaps he'd forgotten the time of the meeting, but an irritating bit of lunch was certainly annoying him because he couldn't keep the long nail of his little finger out from between his molars.

I'm a bit sensitive when it comes to things like that (most things make me feel sick infact - wee, hair, pigeons, coppers - pennies I mean...) so I stopped what I was doing (surfing the net, naturally) and looked at him. Didn't say anything, just looked.

I didn't blink, because I thought staring might be enough to make him stop.

Nothing.

He just happily continued scavaging inbetween his teeth, searching for that tasty morsel, while perusing the meeting room book.

"Do you mind" I said, speaking in my softest 'cute' voice, "picking your teeth over there and coming back when you're finished?"

He looked at me.

The picking got less intense.

He removed his finger and examined the treasure. I was grimacing by this point. He turned straight around "I'm sorry, I know, it's really disgusting..." he said. And with that he walked off. Didn't bother sticking around to book a room. Just went.

It was a joke!

Although I was truly disgusted, I was joking. I called after him "he he, it was a joke" but I don't think he was listening.

I was mucking about.

Looking for a bit of interaction... I must either try harder to be funny or give up on the attempts to talk to anyone, other than the man that calls me 'Kim', between the hours of 8am and 6pm...


*The tooth-picker's real name is Damon, I couldn't think of any other name that suits him. He looks like a Damon!

Spot

I have the most gigantic - hugely gigantic, spot on my face. It's just above my top lip and to the side. I think I got away with it yesterday, but it's grown overnight and it's so much bigger now! It actually looks like my lip is swollen and I have noticed people staring. Worst still than that - it's burning!

Why did I get this spot? Why won't it go away? It's had toothpaste on it for the last two nights but still it remains.

Defiant spot.