Fly soup

I just spent my lunch hour going from book shop to book shop searching for a book that I am beginning to think doesn't actually exit.

I had only 15 minutes left for my lunch so I rushed to the nearby deli, bought some tomato soup, got blown into the graveyard (it's really windy, but the wind was behind me for once and was shoving me in the right direction), sat down on the usual bench (on a newspaper because it was slightly damp), opened up my steaming soup... and a fly landed in it.

I tried carefully taking it out with the lid of my cup but it just slipped right through the little sipping hole, and this time went further into the red swamp. I couldn't see it, so I couldn't get it out.

Being vegetarian, and therefore not eating animals, I didn't really fancy tomato and fly soup so I had to bin it...

Now I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!

And the new starter makes three

"This is our wonderful receptionist, Kim" Allen just said as he bounded around the corner followed rather too closely by his eager new starter.

"Anything you need to know, just ask because she's your gal!" he continued, gesturing towards me, coffee in hand. Somehow ignoring the Kim bit for a second, I wondered how he would know I was the 'gal' who knows everything you just have to ask. The most I have ever done for him is reluctantly pass him my sellotape dispenser, and tell him the price of a 1st class stamp.

What an idiot. I am really starting to detest that man. Now I'll have Allen, his wife and his protege doing it. Great.

A close shave

Phew. I just had an incredibly close shave!

The Facilities Co-ordinator just called to ask me if I was aware that I was booked on an induction course on Monday and Tuesday.

Caught terribly off guard, I said [pause, mini gulp] "Noooooo?"

Which seemed to do the trick!..

...She said she had told the trainer, who is running the course, that I mustn't have known anything about it, because I have Monday and Tuesday booked off, but not to go to an induction! She also cancelled my place (so I won't be charged) and made my apologies for me!

Just to authenticate my disappointment I said "Oh damn, there's an induction in Brighton? Ah, it would have been so nice to go down there and see everybody again!"

For once it looks like my plan has come to fruition. Now I can finally stop worrying about it and can start looking forward to a glorious five days away from here! Today may not be such a dismal day afterall...

I'll not count on that though!

Urgent Courier

Urgent courier my arse...

It will come as no surprise that I did nothing yesterday. Some more surfing of the internet, but that's about it.

From 8:30am to 5:00pm I did absolutely nothing. So at 5:01pm when I was asked, by the lady that's not my boss but kind of watches over me, if I could arrange an urgent courier I of course enthusiastically obliged. I should, after all, do something to earn my money. She said she would email me the address "in one minute". I sat poised, courier book in one hand, phone in the other... 5:05pm... 5:10pm... 5:15pm... At 5:15pm she walked past my desk in a hurry. I looked at her expectantly.

"Oh" she said "I forgot about the package, I'll do it in two ticks" she promised, and off she galloped.

5:20pm...

5:25 pm...

5:28pm

My phone rings "Actually Amy, we'll send that package tomorrow instead".

What?! Evil, evil woman. She didn't want me to arrange a courier, she never had done. She just wanted to keep me here until 5:30pm.

I do realise that I am contractually obliged to work until 5:30pm, but when I've been sitting doing nothing for the 7 and a half hours prior to 5pm, the thought of that last half hour is often too much to stomach. As there is never anyone here, and never anything to do, I do not understand why I have to be here past 5pm.

Which I suppose brings me neatly back to my original burning question - why do they have anyone here to do my 'job' at all...

Casual Friday

It's casual Friday again today.

I'm wearing jeans.

I'm not on edge today, because I really don't care, and I would quite like to be told off for wearing casual clothes because I'm in a bad mood and spoiling for a bit of an argument... (Not that I would say anything though - actually I'd probably end up apologising for my poor lack of judgment).

I do however, feel like an awful tramp.

I'm wearing my old jeans, rather than my smart ones. They're a bit frayed and quite faded. I'm wearing a plain white vest top (because it was all I could find in the rush this morning) and a manky old black cardie. The cardigan isn't quite made of wool, so I find it rather itchy and have to keep the arms rolled up past my elbows. It's the cardie that I keep at work, on the back of my chair, for those extra cold days in the office. It probably smells a bit festy as I get cold most days, and I've had it here for over a month. I think I'll take it home and wash it over the weekend. I am a bit worried though, that it'll fall apart in the washing machine as I imagine its only the grot that is keeping the manky old thing together!

I knew from the moment I woke up today that the day was going to drag...

Just because it's funny...

Just because it makes me laugh, I thought I would copy and paste the email which I sent to my old manager, here for you to read. This is the email which got me prematurely escorted from the building in my last job. All names have of course been changed, as has anything which may identify the company I worked for - just incase! To give you the low down, she had sent me a very curt email saying that it was a '[Company] rule', not to reward people who leave the business.

Dear [Pigface],

Perhaps this is a '[Company] rule' but I can think of a number of ways that you could have gotten around this if you had wanted to. I feel deflated that all of my efforts and hard work have come to nothing.

I spoke to the team before I sent my previous note to you and they all persuaded me to ask you about the reward as I have worked just as hard as the rest of them for the past eight months. I will let them know that I am to receive nothing. Despite team meetings, [department meetings] and [meetings with management] emphasising the extent to which [the Company] values and rewards its employees, I am to receive nothing for my efforts and I am hugely disappointed.

I have it on excellent authority that a member of this team recently left the company before the [bonus] payments were made, but she still received them. This too was for goals which had been met. She too contributed. She too received the reward. But I will not. Does [the Company] have one rule for one employee and another for everybody else?

A personal recognition from you is one thing, but it was not what was promised when we were set the goal. I vigorously worked my accounts for a trip to Prague (or the equivalent monetary value) - not a verbal pat on the back from you!

Please note my dissatisfaction and disappointment.

Amy

***I didn't get a reply to this one. Actually, I guess I did in a way. It was - GET OUT NOW! ha ha***

Induction course

I'm bored, of course, but I'm feeling ok...

...This is because I just have to get through the rest of today, the nine hours that is tomorrow, and then I have a lovely five days away from the office. I have taken Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday off next week - for a very specific and slightly sly reason...

About two months ago I was told that I would have to go on an induction course. It's a get to know the company thing, and it's being held in Brighton. I am not a fan of get-to-know-you games, or ice-breakers, or anything of an even vaguely similar nature. Anything which forces you to have F.U.N FUN is never really fun, so I was far from enthused by the news. It was so long ago it had almost slipped my mind (unfortunately, it was one piece of information I have actually managed to hold on to, it's been kneeding the very back of my mind, selfishly lurking in a dark and slightly damp corner).

Last weekend I received a letter in the post. It gave all the details of the meeting and confirmed that it was for two days, Monday and Tuesday, rather than the single day I had been led to expect. It also gave an itinerary which, to me, seems like a huge waste of time. It is 15 minutes of lecture, 15 minutes tea break, 15 minutes lecture, 15 minutes tea break... How much time do we possibly need for tea? Do they think we need a substantial amount of time in between each section to absorb the wealth of fascinating knowledge they are planning to share with us? I doubt it. It also gave a stark warning that if I do not attend I will be charged.

I don't think so!

I don't want to go.

I really don't want to go.

I would rather go to the hairdressers (even though it's inevitably a traumatic experience, and I always end up looking like a boy).

So, I don't want to go because I don't like that sort of thing. I don't want to go because I don't drink tea. I also don't want to go because it is in Brighton which will mean a very early start for me, and a long train journey in the dark both ways.

The main reason I don't want to go, however, is slightly more sinister...

...It is because the the induction is being held in the building that I used to work in in Brighton. I now work for a company, that works for the company I used to work for (If you follow?). The thought of bumping into someone I used to work with is not a jubilant one - because I left my old job in what you may call a 'blaze of glory'. Actually, it was a curfuffle innocently caused because, on the day before I was due to leave, I asked when I would be receiving my target driven bonus. I was wondering if it would be in cheque form, or whether it would be sent straight into my account the following month. I sent a very polite, but inquisitive email to my manager... It was met with a very hostile reply... So she received an equally inappropriate reply from me. Before I knew it, my team leader was sitting behind me, perched on my desk (Iused to hate it when she did that), making up a pathetic excuse about how I must be so very busy, and how I could go home to sort things out and get on with the packing if I wanted to. Of course I jumped at the chance! I briefly said my goodbyes and I left. I really couldn't get out of there quick enough! Admittedly, I had had good times while I had been there, but I had had my fill by the time I decided I was going to leave. I didn't have a chance to clear my desk, empty my draws or even put an 'out of office' reply on my email. Nothing. (I was doubly happy, because if i'd stayed until my final day I would have had to buy everyone cakes which I really resented). My team leader had to officially escort me out of the building which was horribly awkward. She came downstairs, gave me the obligatory hug and told me to keep in touch - even though we both knew that I would be doing nothing of the sort. I held my breath while she was holding me (she always had a rancid smell about her and I didn't want to risk enhaling any of her flaky skin), then I let out a huge sigh of relief as I left the premises. It was such an uplifting feeling, walking down the hill, away, knowing I would never have to go back there ever again.

Until now that is.

I am so adamant that I do not want to go, that I have not mentioned the letter about the induction course to anyone here. I daren't. Instead, I came in on Monday and booked the days off first thing in the morning. Now if anyone asks, I wont be able to go to the induction because I am not at work!! Phew. It feels glorious to be so cunning!

All I have to do is not get caught out tomorrow, and I am home and dry. A nice long weekend... a bearable two day week next week... No horrible get-to-know-you games. And no risk of bumping into anyone that I used to know but no longer wish to.

Perfect!

Why do I have that feeling that nothing ever goes the way you plan?

Stop flexing... Please!

Allen keeps standing his his doorway, flexing.

He stretches one arm by holding on to the top of the door fame and leaning as far forward as he can possibly muster. Then he stretches the other arm. Then both, so his whole body is jutting forwards.

All the while he is looking at me. I am looking away of course, making sure I don't catch his eye so he doesn't call me Kim - but it makes me feel sick, and I would really like him to stop!

What?!

"Once a king, always a king, but once a Knight is plenty.."

That's what a most discusting, stinking, wart covered delivery man just said to me when I signed for a package.

I've never heard that before - I hope I never hear it again. I feel violated!

Finite Internet

I used to think that the internet was great. Now I'm beginning to think it is a lot smaller than I once imagined. Actually, I think that I have managed to read all of the PG rated pages from cover to cover. If it was a book and it had a prologue at the front and an author's biography at the back, I would have read those too. And the reviews. And the poem on the book mark which the last person who read it had left in there.

I really cannot think of anything to look at.

This morning I have read the news (more than once). I have read the showbiz gossip (numerous times). I have found a Christmas present for my Grandma, and a birthday and Christmas present for my Nan. I have checked my emails 27 times (still no new ones). I have had a look at what weird and wonderful things are being auctioned on eBay (I actually searched for toenails as I've heard some really grotty stuff gets sold on there and I wasn't disappointed...). I have searched for any special deals on Amazon (particularly things I could buy from Jersey as they work out cheaper) and I have planned a whole trip across Italy for March which includes rail passes and hotels...

Now I have officially come to the end. I have turned the last page on the internet and there is nothing left but a dusty cover.

It's only 15:35 and I'm all internetted out. I can't squeeze anything more from it, I've drunk it dry. I need to find something else, other than surfing the net, to take up some time during the day...

...Some work to do would be novel!

Monotony

Monotony.

'The quality of wearisome constancy and lack of variety'

I wonder, can this job be described as monotonous, even though I don't do anything?

Monotonous.

'Tediously repetitive'

The days are repetitive, as they plough on, one after the other with no variety bar their name. I don't know if the work can be described as monotonus as there isn't any. Perhaps the lack of work is monotonous, but I wonder if that is good English?

I am bored.

15:49

It is 15:49 and I have done absolutely nothing today...

...And that's all I can really say about that!

Lunch date with a big pigeon

I just ate my packed lunch outside, in the usual grave yard, in the freezing cold, and was accompanied by the two biggest pigeons I have even seen. They were truly massive and strangely threatening.

I tried to take a picture with my camera phone, so that I would have photographic evidence of their size but they kept moving. Plus I really would have had to get one to stand next to a normal sized pigeon so that the size difference could be appreciated. Orchestrating pigeons for a pigeon portrait would probably be quite tricky.. They were massive.