Furthest eyeball popper

I have had a look on the Guiness World Records website. I searched for 'eyes shut' which produced 23 results. 23 very bizarre results...

1) Most marriage renewals
2) Most complete modern Purdah
3) Most seizures caused by a television program (the winner is Pokemon which caused 700 seizures in Japan)
4) Most premature baby
5) Earliest primates
6) Earliest homo erectus
7) Highest regularly performed head-first dives
8) Tallest snowman (113 ft 7.5 inches)
9) Largest squid (5 metres)
10) Largest eye (20 inches - yuk!)
11) Heaviest bird of prey
12) Furthest eyeball popper (11 mm)
13) Tallest topiary
14) Most complex artificial brain
15) Largest object removed from human skull
16) Strangest defense mechanism
17) Longest constant movie shoot
18) Fastest time to carve a ton of pumpkins (7 hours 11 minutes)
19) Blindfolded speed driving (?)
20) Thinnest camera
21) Slowest Olympic heat winner
22) Largest internet joke vote
23) Largest litter of tigers born in captivity (6 - doesn't sound like that many to me...)

So there you have it. No current record for keeping your eyes closed at your desk (without getting caught). I'm definitely on to a winning idea here... Something I can truly be the champion of!

6 Seconds...

...I just did 6 seconds! Whoopiee!

New World Record?

As I cannot stay awake any longer I thought I may as well give my tired eyes a rest.

Of course I don't want to get caught snoozing at my desk, so I have been timing how long I can keep my eyes closed before I chicken out and have to open them. This may sound a little sad, but it's actually strangely amusing.

My current record is only 4 seconds! I panic, and 4 is my max. I'm working on it though and aim to improve on my own World Record. I imagine that I hold the World Record in this because I can't see anyone else doing anything quite so sad. I will however check the net to see if there is an official record holder in this 'sport'.

In a way I hope there is, so that I have something to aspire to and to beat!

I just did a pathetic 2 seconds - it's actually a lot harder than you might think! I didn't realise people walked past my desk so regularly, evidently they do.

I shall work on my world record over the course of the day...

Still bored

Having free reign today has not helped. I am still bored.

I couldn't enjoy my lunch because I was nervous eating at my desk. It didn't help that every time I took a (big) mouthful someone walked past. Or said hello, or said goodbye. I hate it when people speak with food in their mouths, yet I found myself calling "bhwyyyee" or "mweello" in response to their acknowledgements. How disgusting!

I can't read my book because my head aches...

...and I still think I'm going to get told off for wearing jeans. I can't relax!

It's no different when the 'boss' isn't here. It's still painfully boring. How am I going to stay awake until 5pm???

Free reign

The lady who isn't my boss but kind of watches over me is off today.

This pleases me immensely.

Not that she's not nice, because she's ok actually. Not that she tells me what to do, because she doesn't (mainly because there isn't anything to do!)... I just feel more relaxed knowing that she isn't here for some reason.

I thought that I would really be able to take advantage of this new found freedom today.

Firstly, I planned to be late. Not really late, just 15 minutes or so. I could actually be late everyday and no-one would know because I start at a time most others are still in bed! I got up as usual, but spent slightly longer getting ready and left my house slightly later. I was expecting to get the train which is 20 minutes later than my normal one, but even though I walked really slowly I still managed to get my normal train!! They were delayed again, but must have made up a bit of the time on the journey because I only got in five minutes late...

Secondly, I'm wearing casual clothes today, to make the most of her being away, but this plan has backfired and is just making me edgy! Friday's are usually dress down days in this place, but I wear the usual semi-smart stuff because I'm on reception (I presume I should convey a professional image, albeit a farce). Most importantly though... I've never really known if the casual Friday rule applies to me, so i've never come casual. Today though, when I got up, I fancied wearing jeans. So I did. And now I'm really regretting making that decision because I'm too scared to get a drink from the kitchen as I don't want anyone to notice that I am wearing denim!...

Thirdly, I think I will leave at five today. Not that that's any different to a normal day now though. I'm supposed to work until 5:30pm, but I can't remember the last time I was here at that unearthly hour! There is no point. Even less happens here between five and five thirty, than during the rest of the day... If that's at all possible of course, as nothing happens ever. At any time.

To finish off my 'taking advantage day' I think I will eat at my desk and read my book. Why? Because I can! I love having free reign!

Kim goes public

It is so lucky I am able to laugh at myself...

Jenny (one of the PA's) was just standing at my desk booking some meetings when Allen came back in from his lunch.

"Hi Jay" he said to Jenny

"Hi Ki..." he said to me. I could sense he was going to call me Kim so I looked away and he trailed off without finishing my 'name'.

"I get called Jay" said Jenny frowning "what do you get called?" she asked

Sod it, I thought, I'll be honest "Kim" I said bluntly

"Kim?" she checked

"Yeah" I said "he always calls me Kim"

She laughed out loud and off she went.

Less than a minute later - literally less than one minute later, Tania (another PA) came up to my desk...

"Does Allen think you're called Kim?" she said, laughing

"Urm, uh huh" I replied, laughing too, because it is kind of funny.

With that she walked away, giggling as she went.

I could hear her laughing and starting to tell another of the PA's. As soon as I realised what she was doing I jumped up and ran around the corner to stop her in her tracks.

"It's a secret", she ended up saying, "Amy gets called a different name by someone in the office, but she's told me not to tell anybody".

Phew, I thought. Maybe I've contained the awful truth.

Then Tania asked me why I hadn't just told Allen that my name wasn't Kim. So I told her exactly why. Because at first I thought that he was calling me Kid which I thought was really patronising and rude. When I realised he was saying Kim it didn't seem so bad. And then it was too late - he's been doing it for four months so I can't tell him now.

Tania started roaring with laughter - then I couldn't help it and I was in fits of giggles too. That real, feel good laughing, when your eyes water and your belly aches. It was actually hilarious! Until I realised that soon everyone would know what an idiot I was... And I could just see someone telling Allen infront of me that my name is not Kim. Then he would ask why I hadn't corrected him and it would just be terrible. It's embarrassing enough as it is!

Tania begged to tell Jenny the whole story "because she is feeling a bit down and it would really cheer her up", but I begged back for her not to. If Jenny knows she will definitely tell Allen's PA and then everyone will know what a fool I am!

Ten minutes later and Tania is still laughing! I could hear her laughing from around the corner which made me laugh even more. Then I had to ask a visitor if she would like a drink (because I felt like I should compensate for being so unprofessional) but I could hardly get the words out! (Luckily she only wanted water...) It's the most I've laughed for ages. It's just a shame everyone was laughing at my expense!

As far as I know only me, Tania and Jenny know that Allen calls me Kim. Hopefully it will stay that way, but somehow I can't see it staying secret for long.

They work!!!

Oh my goodness, I just had the most bizarre telephone conversation to start the day and I can't quite believe my ears...

Caller: "Security control here"

Me: "Helloooo!"

Caller: "We had a bit of an incident last night"

Me: "Did we?" (a bit surprised, nothing ever happens here)

Caller: "We did indeed, somebody tried to exit the building..."

Me: "Yeeeeess?"

Caller: "...And they accidentally pressed the panic alarm button at your desk, instead of the door release"

Me: (Gulp) "Oh"

Caller: "Mmmmm"

Me: "I think I might know who it was actually - someone who forgot their pass yesterday, I'll ask him when he gets in"

Caller: "We have a picture of him"

Me: (Big gulp) "Oh!... A picture?... That's clever!... Is he bald?"

Caller: "Yes, fairly tall, wearing a dark suit, with a full length black umbrella"

Me: "Ah yes, that's the one"

Caller: "I'll re-set the panic alarm, please tell him not to make the same mistake again"

Me: "Will do, thaaanks"

Oh... Lordy....

What on earth? Suddenly the panic alarm AND the security cameras work!!

That's funny!

Global Email

Typical.

A panicky lady just approached my desk to enquire whether a black cardigan had been handed in. When I advised her that, no, there was no cardigan here, she told me that I must send a global email immediately because someone had obviously walked off with her wooly. She had left it in one of the meeting rooms and it was no longer there.

"Ok" I said, "are you sure it's not there?"

"Yes, yes" she replied "I left it in there after a meeting. I went back to get it but there were people in there. Now it's gone and I'm freezing!"

"Ok" I said again, "I shall send a tactful email out, I'll ask if anyone has seen it for you".

What on earth should I write, I thought. Everytime I started to draft something it appeared sarcastic. Then accusatory. Then it sounded like I was taking the piss.

In the end I went with something along the lines of 'Christine's cardigan has gone astray. It is black with black buttons (one missing), size 12. It was last seen in meeting room two at approximately 15:00 hours. If anyone has seen said cardigan please let me know as soon as possible so that it can be reunited with it's rightful owner'. Short but sweet. Not pointing any fingers at anyone un-necessarily and did the job.

I spell checked it twice - just incase, then pressed send.

"Found it!" I heard as Christine came running around the corner "No need for the email then!"

Too late.

She looked so happy, buttoning up her cardie. I felt forlorn as I saw reply after reply appear in my inbox. Searching for a garment of clothing does not warrant sending an email to everyone apparently - some people are far to busy to filter nonsense emails. Better just to ask around.

I wish i'd told Christine to do it herself now!

Cold remedies

As I have nothing at all to do here, ever, I have spent the morning researching herbal remedies for colds and flu. Once I had compiled my extensive shopping list I popped to the health food shop around the corner to stock up on my supplies. I was limiting myself to £10, which I stuck to quite well. I now have garlic capsuals, super strength vitamin C, ginger and echineacea.

I also came out with a bag of dried dates and two vegetarian sausage rolls. The dates are lovely but the sausage rolls were like purple salt wrapped in cardboard. Horrible. I tend to get carried away in the health food shop because everything looks so tasty and good for you. Now I know not to be fooled by things made with brown flour or organic labelling. Until next time.

That's all I've done today though. A bit of online research and some active preparation for the prevention of a cold. Allen is sick at the moment, grumpy and spluttering, and I don't want to catch what he has - that's what motivated me actually. Everyone seems to be on the brink of getting a cold here, teetering on the edge. It travels through the air con so no-one is safe. Just for once I would like to avoid the germs.

Especially as it's only the second day of November.

Cleaning frenzy

Yesterday the cleaner / house-keeper / tea-maker got cornered and told off for not doing her job properly (too much time sleeping and not enough time cleaning). She said she was always busy cleaning, from 7am to 5pm -sometimes without a break, but we all know that's not strictly true.

Now i've just received a complaint because she was spotted polishing the waste paper bins at eight o'clock this morning. Actually picking them up, spraying them with polish and buffing them to within an inch of their lives.

Now it is my job of the day to tactfully tell her not to bother polishing the plastic waste paper bins in the future... Gives me something to do I suppose...

I found some shoes!...

...And what's more, the website has a big clearance section with heaps of slightly larger than average smart men's shoes for £15!

For real leather.. What a bargain!

Happy Day

I have just been given a lovely box of chocolates, all wrapped up in red tissue paper and red sparkly sticky tape, as a little thank you for doing someone here a favour!

How thoughtful!

Even though I am incredibly bored as usual, and have three and a half painful hours to get through until I can go home... today is a happy day!

Mmmm, chocolate...

Slightly larger than average smart men's shoes

I have just spent my entire lunch break scouring the shops for some size twelve 'smart' shoes for my boyfriend. I unwittingly received some worryingly odd glances while perusing the mountains of footwear that were on offer. Is it so weird, a girl looking for a pair of large, smart, men's shoes?

Apparently so.

Would I like to try any on? Urm.. No, thanks!

I didn't find any by the way, it was an incredibly fruitless expedition.

I actually spent the morning looking on t'internet first - I thought that it would be the easier option, but that was hopeless too. I ended up googling 'size 12 men's shoes' (rather than going by shop name which came up with nothing and proved to be a waste of my very precious time), but this produced some truly hideous results. Just because he has slightly larger than average feet does not mean that he needs a two inch wooden heel, mock crock skin with velcro fasteners, or grips suitable for a hike up Kilimanjaro.

He desperately needs new shoes for work because he currently has two gaping holes on his heals where the sole is literally coming away from the rest of the shoe. When he walks, from the back it looks like his shoes are having a conversation with one another - the holes being the chattering mouths. They're probably having a good old moan about how they've been horribly mistreated and left to get into such a sorry state. In this weather it's not very practical, and in an office it's not very professional. Tramp.

I am going to have one last search on t'internet this afternoon - I think I may have a spare four and a half hours or so...

If I still can't find any after that though, he's on his own! I'll hold my hands up and admit defeat. I will hang my head in shame. I failed. I can do no more. He can do his own shopping for his slightly larger than average smart shoes instead.

Trick or... apple?

Remembering that it was Halloween yesterday, but totally forgetting about the whole 'Trick or Treat' thing, we had to treat a scary young skeleton, a witch and a ghost, a nice healthy treat.

We gave them apples.

How rubbish is that?..

I'm suprised we didn't get 'tricked' by the ghouls because of the treats we had given them. We definitely deserved to be egged, or have snails put through our letter box, or flour in our hair, for giving out apples!!

Next year I will buy Mars Bars...

And the wife makes two.

Allen's WIFE has just called me Kim. Oh dear Lord...

She's always called me Amy before. It's catching on...